and his heart of stone

itsjustvogue @ 2009-11-26T01:41:00

2009-11-26T06:40:31Z

i hate when people say "i don't like sleeping. you miss so much being asleep." personally I'd much rather be asleep than I'm awake. I prefer the alternate reality of dreaming rather the real world. Anything can happen in my dreams but life puts so many limits on everyday life.

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itsjustvogue @ 2009-11-22T22:27:00

2009-11-23T03:27:42Z

so i've seen new moon twice now. it makes me laugh how after i saw twilight, i fell back into a rut and all i could read was eclipse or breaking dawn. and i read fanfiction for what seemed like a year straight. i think i'm falling back into that rut which makes me laugh. also, the movie made me switch from team edward to team jacob. he definitely deserves her more. :)

itsjustvogue @ 2009-11-09T23:28:00

2009-11-10T04:27:18Z

I don't spend my nights searching for earthquakes, It's biblical how fucked my sleep can be But she won't sleep with me.

i think my mind runs on jacks mannequin nowadays

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Oh man

2009-11-08T06:27:12Z

I know my family has a very interesting history of how we came to be and I enjoy hearing every story. I mean, we aren't incestual(is that a word?) or anything like that but most of the relationships I have grown up knowing were based on false pretenses. I remember being very little and finding out my nana was married to my papa before I was born and I remember thinking "no way!" that couldn't be. My papa was always married to my grandmama and my nana was always married to my dad (in actuality we aren't related at all, I just grew up without my actual father). Anyway, a few years ago I found out my mother had an abortion when I was five. About a year or two ago I found out my aunt was my uncle's secretary and he was married at the time but she got pregnant and they ended up getting married. Interesting, right? I'm sure there are more details but I'm bored of typing on my iPod. I also found out my other uncle cheated on my aunt with her best friend. But most recently I have discovered one of my step aunts who has never really been nice to me(don't get me wrong, she's a very nice lady and she gave me a lovely cousin to mess with, but I have found myself unable to bond with her unlike her sister and brother). I found out she got pregnant st sixteen and was told to have an abortion or she would no longer be a member of the family. Of course this all happened 20 years or longer before I was born, I just found it all hard to wrap my head around. And last but not least I uncovered the fact my papa got a girl pregnant at age sixteen and he only paid her fifty dollars a month and once he married my nana he quit even sending her that. My nana didn't even mind he had a child, she actually thought it was horrible he quit sending that little amount. I feel right sorry about airing my family's dirty laundry but I don't think anyone reads this anyway but I had to get it off my mind somehow. Just had that
feeling.

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i guess i should post my schedule since i have since 7th grade

2009-10-08T23:01:53Z

1- Film Crititism
2- Physical Science H
3- AP World History
4- French 3 H
5- Algebra 2 CP
6- Driver's Ed(first semester), Drama(second semester)
7- English 2 Honors

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I used to really like Film Crit, because the teacher was really awesome, but he quit. I was really looking forward to having Physical Science because I really hoped I owuld have a good teacher, but no. I get the worst teacher in the whole entire school. AP is good, I like the teacher a lot and a lot of my friends are in there. French is okay too. I hate math. I hate it. Absolutely detest it. Eh, not much to say about Driver's Ed. English sucks.
FML!

itsjustvogue @ 2009-10-08T17:43:00

2009-10-08T21:45:41Z

i hate this school year. last year was so much better. all this year is is work. i wish i could bring last year to this year. that would make everything amazing. did i mention algebra II is hard? omg i'm pretty much failing. and not to mention the hottest teacher in the school got fired and arrested for having sex in his classroom. JaiL Mann.

itsjustvogue @ 2009-07-29T02:53:00

2009-07-29T06:53:23Z

life is amazing.

she said you're just a letdown, another one of my mistakes.

2009-04-25T21:41:26Z

which is what i want to say to you, honestly. i cannot believe i let you. i trusted you. i wanted you. but you were the one that wanted me first. you were the one who told me you liked me when you had a girlfriend. i kissed you. a kiss is something really special to me. fuccck. and you pulled back, that's not fair. what about everything you ever told me? i know now that it was just lies. i'm fine now, really. but i don't forget you. your note is torn up into confetti that sit in my trashcan. the movie ticket sits beside me on my desk cause that's one thing i won't forget. i knew it was too good to be true. what bothers me the most is that we functioned so well as friends before, so why can't we now? don't i even deserve that?

itsjustvogue @ 2009-04-11T16:04:00

2009-04-11T20:02:49Z

I want you so bad, can you feel it too?
of course you can.
ekk! my life is amazing : )

itsjustvogue @ 2009-04-04T12:50:00

2009-04-04T16:52:50Z

love lifeeeeee.

itsjustvogue @ 2009-03-01T15:10:00

2009-03-01T20:10:45Z

just kidding!

itsjustvogue @ 2009-02-22T17:56:00

2009-02-22T22:58:46Z

oh btw.
i love how the day we finally know we like each other, we end up matching.
i love how i've liked you since like the first grade and i wait 8 years for you to finally like me back, and you tell me that you do.
but i absolutely hate how you like two people! and i hate that you tell me, and then we act like we never met before.

itsjustvogue @ 2009-02-22T14:01:00

2009-02-22T22:52:33Z

Omgz It's been so long since I've updated. I think that I should write a really long entry even though no one reads these. Haha.
So, when was the last time I updated? September I think? Oh, my. So much has happened.

Drama? Not so much.
New friends? Sure.
Freshmen trips? FOR SURE!
Good grades? Sure.

So last week was the trip to Orlando for freshmen. It was so much fun! And it really gave me a chance to think about who I really liked.
Sure, I had crushes here and there from September to now. Matt? Yeah. Sam? Yeah, sort of. I haven't figured that out yet. Will? Yeah.
Have I been asked out? Yeah. Jacob has. Aubrey has. Jose has. I'm sure some others have, but I can't remember them. SO ANYWAY. On the Florida trip, Cameron sat in front of Jordyn and me on the bus. I sat in the window seat, and Jordyn on the aisle seat. Across the aisle was Joseph and then Garrison. We left at 4 am so we were all pretty much half dead. But around 6:30 everyone started to really wake up, and the bus started to really come alive. The back of the bus was mostly all guys and it got pretty loud, especially after we stopped for breakfast. We watched Iron Man and when that was over, we watched Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and by the time that was halfway over we stopped in Saint Augustine to tour the fort. I thought it was actually interesting. We did certainly have an entertaining time.
After Saint Augustine, we watched The Dark Knight. I dozed in and out through that. And just as I really fell asleep, Joseph woke me up. Medieval Times was fun, I guess. I can say I have that experience under my belt and I don't ever have to go through that again.
The next day we went to Epcot! It was so much fun. Everyone said that it was going to be really boring, but it was actually really fun. Saturday was Valentine's Day and we were at Island of Adventure and we had so much fun there. It got me really thinking.

itsjustvogue @ 2008-09-04T21:13:00

2008-09-05T01:15:24Z

okay so that last entry was just because i was on my phone and needed something to entertain me. Neil walked by me with his new "girlfriend", I guess you could call her. I dunno, it doesn't make me mad anymore. He doesn't make me mad anymore. I'm just over this whole thing. This week has been so great and then he tries to make me mad and I just laugh. This week is really great. I love my friends. They are the best. I have discovered who I can lean on and who I cannot. It's funny how a huge kick in the teeth can really open your eyes to things.

itsjustvogue @ 2008-09-04T19:43:00

2008-09-04T19:45:19Z

I'm outside at school and Neil is behind me with his new girlfriend. It kinda hurts but I'm over it now.

itsjustvogue @ 2008-09-01T22:12:00

2008-09-02T02:18:03Z

You know what? I'm not going to be mad at you anymore. I know how you work. I know how you think. I know what you like. You aren't going to last on her for too long. I'll give it a month or two. You liked Kelly, Amanda and then me. Amanda, Kelly and I are similar in a lot of ways. We're skinny, we all have medium to long hair, we don't wear a ton of make up, simliar music tastes, Hollister, AE, Abercrombie type of girls. Where does she fit in? No where. She's got collar bone length blonde fried hair that isn't straight in the back. She's fat and looks like the god damn joker. The only thing in common with us is that she's got the same music taste. I know everything you say to her will be the same exact stuff you told me. I LOVE how you swore you meant everything you ever told me but yet you can go and say the same exact stuff to her.
You're talking to her over comments on myspace just because you I look at your page. You talk to me over myspace messages so people won't see. You tell me to be happy, but when I reply to your message saying "I am happy!" You don't even bother to read it. YEAHHHH. You're cool.

In the back of my mind, I knew this would happen. Eventually. But you know what? Good things come to those who can. And I never did anything wrong and it's not my fault we're over. It's yours. And the girl you're going around with now, I don't hate her. It just hurts to see her because she makes you happy and I can't anymore. I probably never could. But whatever. I'm going to look out for her when you go and break her heart just like you did to me.
I'm donee!

itsjustvogue @ 2008-08-25T06:37:00

2008-08-25T10:42:15Z

NO. YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
Don't break up with me because "you don't love me enough to deal with the problems." Yeah? Maybe I'm sick of your shit, too. I knew this was coming but it hurts a lot worse than I thought it would. You just can't break up with me and then decide "Oh, okay we're going to be best friends like you and Adam are!" NO. I don't work that way. I don't fall completely in love with you, just to have you be like "Nah, I don't love you anymore."
OH AND BY THE WAY- You're a douchebag. I thought you were completely different than other boys, but you're not. We had been broken up for like two hours and you were already hitting on another girl? YOU KNOW THAT'S FUCKING LOW. LOW. LOW.

Then I'm going to instant message you, asking if you want the keychain you gave me for my birthday back and you tell me no because you don't want to feel bad. WHAT THE FUCK. WE JUST BROKE UP AND YOU 1. ARE ALREADY FLIRTING, 2. DON'T WANT TO FEEL BAD? WRONG. I will make you feel bad. I don't care how immature I'm going to be. So after you sign off, telling me "see you tomorrow, my friend." I'm sitting here feeling like complete shit because you're so immature and I go and I talk to my Dad because he's there for me(oh and ps- he's always completely disliked you.) and I come back and I have a text message from you that says "I'll miss you. I really will. Goodnight." NO. Don't get me wrong, I like you telling me these things, but come on. You want me to move on and date other people? Then make me let go. Then you tell me you won't sleep, and you're breaking out tears, but breaking up was neccasary? NO THE FUCK IT WASN'T. You just can't deal with problems.

I can't chase you anymore because it won't do me any good at all. All those things you told me meant nothing. You wouldn't even hug me one last time, just for me to say goodbye. Whatever. I'm saying goodbye now. I don't want to be your good friend for awhile because you really hurt me, more than you know and could ever understand.

itsjustvogue @ 2008-08-23T17:11:00

2008-08-23T21:12:32Z

So I started high school on Tuesday, and so far I absolutely love it. Here is my schedule.

1. Geometry CP - Cooper
2. Music Apperciation- Sullivan
3. English 1 Honors- Bell
4. French 2 CP- Vanneste
-Second lunch-
-go back to Fourth-
5. Biology CP- Hart
6. PE- Schumacher
7. AP Human Geography- Eversole

My day goes by so fast, and I have a lot of good classes with a lot of my friends. My seventh period is the most amazing class, EVER. All of my friends are in that class and the teacher is absolutely hilarious.

itsjustvogue @ 2008-01-26T02:02:00

2008-01-26T07:11:54Z

So I am suffering more than other people with the death of Heath Ledger and I don't know why. I was taking a nap after school one day, and my Nana runs in and tells me "Mallory...Heath Ledger died today!" and I said "No, he didn't. I'm trying to sleep, go away." I wake up at 6:30 with seven missed calls from Amanda, and two from Jordyn. With two voicemails, the one from Amanda saying "Mallory... My sister was on the internet today, and Heath Ledger died today. I'm sorry. Call me." The one from Jordyn saying "Mallory, I have some news. You might want to call me, as soon as you get this." On channel seven, the news starts to play and it's all about how he died, and when, and it doesn't hit me just yet.
I'm screaming "WHAT? WHAT? NO. NO." and I'm on the phone with Jordyn. My line beeps, and it's Oryza, saying "Mallory, HEATH LEDGER DIED! I'M SO SORRY. I KNOW YOU LOVED HIM." I tell her I'll call her back, and tell the same to Jordyn.

I cry really, really hard because they show pictures of him and his daughter and my Nana tells me we're going to my favorite resturant to eat on Thursday, and I start to cry again because it hits me, he'll never know his daughter grow up, and she'll never know him, and he'll never get to do anything again. I can't say he's cute anymore because I'll never see him in anymore movies. I call Jordyn sobbing and stuck up my tears, and I think "Oh, he's just an actor." Well, the next day I cry, and Wednesday I cry too. Thursday and Friday as well. I watched Brokeback Mountain with Nana on Wednesday and I laugh at him, and I start to cry again because I know I'll never laugh at him again, and he'll never laugh again.

It really sucks losing your hero, your idol, your favorite actor. I don't know why it's hitting me so hard, like it's to the point I can't sleep at night because it bothers me so bad. It's all I think about during school. Like, in science all Mr. Burdick was talking about was Austrailia and all I thought was "Heath Ledger." I'm pretty sure something is wrong with me, like, I'm sure it'll pass soon, but I don't know what I'm going to do. Nana feels bad for me, and she's doing everything for me to make me feel better, and normally when I cry at a movie or something, she tells me to stop, but lately she hasn't when I cry over this. Maybe, I'm just being too over-dramatic.
:/

itsjustvogue @ 2008-01-07T20:34:00

2008-01-08T01:40:07Z

I am a mess, a pure mess. I prefer not to write and let anyone see it because it's terrible and I can't stand myself anymore. I know how pathetic that sounds, and I can't fix it. I don't know what is up with Zach and I. It feels like I don't have a boyfriend anymore and I feel as if I can't tell him that because I don't know how he'll react. I honestly am so stressed with school, and I have the best friends in the entire world.

k.
kyrsten, i know we haven't talked in FOREVER. i don't even know if you know my aim anymore
malllloryy <-- aim.

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2007-12-10T00:13:41Z

okay, so life isn't so great lately. To be honest, I have no idea what's up with Zach and I anymore. I guess we're still together, but I have no idea. I wish I did. :(

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2007-12-10T00:09:46Z

i really need to update

School

2007-09-03T01:21:18Z

So school started like two weeks ago and I thought I would tell you about it since I posted one of these last year when I started school.
So yeah um here's my schedule:
1st-French 1, O' Sheilds
2nd-Science 8, Burdick
3rd-Algebra 1, Dameron
4th-English Studies(Advanced), Jacobs
5th-Chorus 8, Yon
6th- South Carolina History 8, Longenecker

Hm so we'll start with French. Well, it's 39847389 times better than my other French classes I've had. This is high school French and it's really easy. I know more than I thought I did. It's fun. The teacher is really good & new. She actually teaches! We move fast, and she has to speak in French 90% of the time, but if we don't understand all we have to do is say "Pardon?" and she'll repeat it in French & English and explain. I'm doing pretty well!!

K so science is okay. It's pretty boring, but all science is boring the first two weeks because you have to go over infrences and all that shit. Zach sits in front of me and that's pretty cool because he lets me prop my feet up on his chair and he gets my journal in the morning. Yeah, him and I are still going out. ♥ I guess other than that I have fun because I'm sitting with Zach, Joseph, and Nick. They're all so weird and I'm the only girl on that side of the room. Well, there's this girl name Samantha but she's super weird and wants to be called 'Larry' and doesn't talk. She's really immature too. I don't like her. No one does, but at the same time I feel bad for her.

Kay, Algebra is not as hard as I thought it would be. It's pretty easy to be honest. I don't know why I was scared in the first place. Eh, it's kind of boring but hey it's Math. Cameron is in that class and I love love love her. She's like one of my best friends, we have so much fun.

English!~* Uh omg. The teacher is really kind of annoying and mean, but she's very blunt and will tell you what you need to hear, and I guess that's what a teacher is supposed to do. She's a good teacher though, and she's kind of a free spirit. HAH, she assigned us a fucking paper on the second week of school. It wasn't hard but yeah. And there's this girl in my class who absofuckinglutely hates me. Like absolutely hates me. Oh my god it's kind of funny. She's so fat and ugly and tries to be all cool. AAHAHAH. Jesus.

Um Chorus. Yeah, we'll just leave this one alone. 1. I can't sing. 2. This class is boring, but I love Mr. Yon.

SOUTH CAROLINA HISTORY!!! AHAHAH. My teacher used to be amish. ahahahha. She's so dumb. I hate her. She's so slow and uasdhasj boring. She's only like 26 or 27 too. She tries to give us all these fun things to do, but NOOOO. Ahaha she thinks she's all neat and shit. I'm nice to her, but I don't like her at all. Idk. I'm really good at history, it's probably my best subject besides science or something. My class is so fucking ignorant. I hate them. They're so dumb. They're so rude. Bryce didn't know what our state flag was. I was like "what the fuck dumbfuck?"

They switched 'Incentive Friday' to 'Marvoulous Mondays' and it's like What the fuck bitch? That's dumb. Who wants to wear jeans on a Monday? I dun. and they took our Exploratory period. Idk, so now we don't have seven periods and classes are like sixty four minutes long. Ugh, I don't like sitting in classes for sixty four minutes.

I'm also reading A Clockwork Orange just because Mrs. Jacobs doesn't think I can do it. Um, I've already read a bunch of really advanced shit and I understand everything that's going on in the book. It's not that hard. It's just the lingo they use is all. It's really good though. I enjoy it for the most part. Some of the lingo is really weird, and in Russian. So yeah.

I ALSO HAVE A NEW FOUND OBSESSION WITH CHIODOS. Omggg. Ever since I saw them at Warped I can't stop listening to them. I mean I listened to them a lot before, but now it's like I can't turn them off. For the last week all I've listened to is Bone Palace Ballet. Obsession much? Yeah, obsession.

I know I spelled a lot of things wrong in that but I'm too lazy to go and fix all of them. Deal with it.

Hmm I wrote this awhile ago and kept forgetting to post it.

2007-09-03T00:56:49Z

We are corners in the darkness, forgotten letters written long ago. We live off of being in control, and the feeling of power. You sit with a light, and a notebook. You scribble words on to a page. You scratch out. The room is spinning and the light is going off. You close your eyes and breath in. You feel the feeling of loneliness that never leaves you. Do you even know what loneliness is? No, you don't. You're feeling it now, but you can feel him beside you. You feel your weaknesses lurking around the corner. You're scared. You can feel your heart racing in your chest beneath your rib cage. You feel your head pounding, you're getting weaker. Your weakness is coming closer. Your strength is trying to make it through. Your pen falls on the floor, you barley hear it drop, your notebook lands somewhere beside it. In close range. You take your hands and rub them on the covers, it feels soft. The room is still spinning and your heart rate is faster, yet your breathing doesn't increase. How could this be? You see, it is all a trick of the mind. A masquerade. A lie. A tale. An illusion. You're now staring your weaknesses in the face. Oh, how could you have let it get this far? You're feeling extremely lonely. No one to reach out to. You're reaching for the darkness, thinking there is a hand to grab a hold to. It's not there. You feel alone in the dark, with your weaknesses growing upon you. Getting into your head. You're just scaring yourself. You tell yourself this isn't happening. It's not. It can't be. Mind over matter you say. Your fear is growing, and your head is hurting. Find that hand you tell yourself. Find the hand that will help you out. You see the light growing. The room is slowly stopping. Your heart is slowing. What is this awkward feeling you feel? Your weaknesses are retreating back. The light is growing and your head feels better. You flick your eyes open very fast and awkwardly. You see that your pen and notebook are on the floor. You're in a cold sweat. Did you find the hand? You think you did, or you wouldn't have woken up...or was it real? It felt so real, you felt everything. This couldn't have been a dream, no. It couldn't have. You hear a voice. What is it? Run what happened through your mind, you can't remember. It's impossible. You bend down to pick up your pen and notebook. They feel as if they are glued to the ground. You can't get them. Your arms and legs are shaking. You are scared to sleep. It's okay. Go to sleep. The room is the way you remember it being. When did it change? You wish you could remember. Do you? No. You lay your head down on your pillow, leaving the notebook and pen on the floor. You shut your eyes and don't think. You'll scare yourself. You still have the awkward feeling as you drift off. You slowly go off to sleep. You are in a world you don't recognize, but what is recognition? It's the same as wondering what orginality is.

itsjustvogue @ 2007-05-16T19:57:00

2007-05-17T00:12:19Z

Life is different now, better I should say.

I still don't know who I am. I still don't know what I am. I know that I am Mallory Elisabeth and I like to dream. I know I am human and I have feelings and I cry and laugh. I don't know what I want. I don't know who I want. I know I want someone to love and always be there for me.
I want someone to always remember my name when I die and remember me for what I was good for, not something bad. I want my name to be everywhere. I want everything to be positive and okay. Almost no negativity. I like my life for the most part, and I have learned that it is okay to not know things. It's okay to be nervous, it's okay to not know what to say. It's okay to be un happy, and it's okay to only know your name. You're not supposed to know yourself, yet.

I'll get to knowing myself soon enough, but being a kid for right now is okay. Going to middle school and seeing all my friends that hang around me all day and never get tired of my shit makes me happy, and I'm good with that. I'm okay with being an outcast and living my life differently. It's okay to walk around with dirt on your feet and mud on your face and just laugh until you start to cry. It's okay to want to live. Never be too safe. Never say "I can't do this." You can do everything you want to, you just have to put your mind to it. Maybe it's not okay to you, but it is to me to not know where you're supposed to be and where your home is. It's okay to be hated by some people, and to hate some people. You're not supposed to really be living, yet.

Like I should say, I was with my dad in the car today, and I had Scary Kids Scaring Kids playing, and I was dancing as much as a could in a seat with a seat belt on, but oh well thats beside the point, he turned up the music as loud and he could and let me sing a long. He hates my type of music, but he loves me enough to do that for me. It's good for you to know who loves you. Love those who love you. You don't know who really loves you, yet. You don't know anything yet. You can't chase everything. You'll drive yourself insane. It's okay to be a little crazy and to live a little, just don't go too far.

Have you ever thought what you would do if you didn't have someone to lean on? What your life would be like if you didnt' know how to add 2+2, and no one to teach you. Not even your school. School is supposed to be a safe haven for you.

I think you should enjoy what you have, and if you think it's not good enough, take a look at Darfur, Africa. Think about all you have, and what they have. They have absolutely nothing at all. Nothing. They are starving on some hidden Savannah with no one to save them but God, who ovbiously isn't doing too much, but I guess that is just my opinion. You've got your camera, your cell phone, your iPod, your TV, your food, your health, your friends. They don't have any of that, and no one can save them. Not even soldiers.

Take this to heart.